


Bram's Hell

by simonsprettyface



Series: Spierfeld Week [3]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Filler, Coming Out, Gen, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Spierfeld Week, little bit different than my usual fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 16:33:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14288955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simonsprettyface/pseuds/simonsprettyface
Summary: It was hell, not talking to Simon.Bram had gotten comfortable in the habit, it had felt second nature to email Simon constantly throughout the day about one thing or another, sending him a message when he saw something that made him think of him or sitting around awaiting for a reply to ‘Blue’. And when he stopped talking to Simon, cutting him off without really thinking it through when Simon was outed, it was hell to try to unlearn the habit.But that hell was nothing like the hell he saw that day in the cafeteria.





	Bram's Hell

It was hell, not talking to Simon. 

Bram had gotten comfortable in the habit, it had felt second nature to email Simon constantly throughout the day about one thing or another, sending him a message when he saw something that made him think of him or sitting around awaiting for a reply to ‘Blue’. And when he stopped talking to Simon, cutting him off without really thinking it through when Simon was outed, it was hell to try to unlearn the habit.

But that hell was nothing like the hell he saw that day in the cafeteria.

He watched from a distance as those two assholes teased and taunted Ethan and Simon, making a joke out of their sexuality in a way only a really twisted homophobe could. Part of him wanted people to step in, to make it stop, but he knew most of them were just in the same boat as him. Being afraid to step in for fear of being next, even if they weren’t gay. Everyone wanted something like this to end, but no one wanted to be the one to stop it. 

Luckily, it didn’t take long for Ms. Albright to come in and all but kick their asses herself, but the damage was done. Everyone had seen it, had seen their ‘joke’ at Simon’s expense.

And everyone had seen Simon’s heartbreak plastered on his face. 

Fine, maybe not everyone had noticed that, maybe they just noticed how pissed off he was, but Bram could see it. He could see how much it was tearing Simon up inside, and he could feel it all the way across the room.

Though, that might also be his own pain starting to set in.

There was a dark hole starting to form deep in his gut, something he couldn’t put his finger on quite yet, all he knew was that he wanted to try to ignore it until he could get home. Bram was good at that, good at internalized things. It was a perk of being relatively quiet at school, people don’t always seem to notice when he’s not feeling too great and too vocal. 

And so he just made it through the day, trying to not think about the hate he had seen in the cafeteria. 

It wasn’t  _ as  _ hard as he thought it would be, sure he’d think about it but with schoolwork to distract him it could’ve been worse. Soccer practice was a little harder, while he had a lot to focus on he also couldn’t stop thinking as he ran, no matter how hard he ran. He could tell that Garrett could tell something was wrong, but he really was a good friend that knew when to pry and when to not. And he could tell right then to not. 

After what was probably one of his worst practices ever, Bram finally went home. And with that, the walls started to crumble down. 

The second he was alone in his room, the dark hole reappeared with a vengeance, though this time it wasn’t just in his gut. His heart hurt too, everything felt too much all at once and he laid down on the bed, hiding his face in his hands. 

Bram couldn’t get them out of his mind, the way they had no shame once so ever with their joke. That they genuinely thought they were funny. That their hate runs  _ so deep  _ that they saw absolutely nothing wrong with making a mockery of Simon and Ethan’s bravery to live their truth, to be out and be themselves. Something that Bram couldn’t do.

Unlike them, Bram was a coward. 

A coward that couldn’t even stand up for what was right when two bullies were picking on someone let alone tell people that he liked guys. He thought it’d be easier once he had broke the seal when he told his parents his sexuality, but when Simon was outed he felt himself clam up once again. 

Though even that hadn’t had the level of what he saw today, the second he saw that he felt himself shut down. The part of him that had started opening up, that had started to soften up and made him want to share that part of himself, locked up again maybe even tighter than before. It seemed like his heart had finally started to come out of the box it was confined in, and just like that it was shoved back in. His heart felt bruised, like this whole situation had punched him directly.

And maybe it had. 

The idea that his sexuality was one big joke to people like that hit him hard and fast and it knocked the breath out of him. He always knew that there would be people that hated people like him or didn’t care or understand it, but to see it with his own eyes. To see people making a mockery of something that’s such a big part of who he actually is is really just a huge joke. It made him feel dumb, of course it’s a joke. Who would take him seriously if they knew he was gay? Who would want to be his friend after that? Who would want to be his teammate? Have him in the locker room with them if they knew he liked guys? He wanted to think that people would realize that he’s still the same guy, he’s still Bram, just everything out in the open. But he knew better than that. That no matter what, there would always be people like those two. People that see them as nothing more than a joke, a prop. 

And while there was always going to be people like them, there was always going to be people like Simon who get hurt. 

Thinking about Simon’s face made him start to finally tear up, what had been building up inside of him since lunch finally starting to make its way out. And he hated it. He didn’t want to cry, he had no reason to cry. Cowards have no reason to cry. Maybe if he had stood up to them and had them point some of that hate towards him, he might have a reason. Or if he was brave like Simon and Ethan, he might. But right now he had no reason. At least in his mind. He knew rationally that it didn’t work like that, that he had every right to be upset. To be hurting. To feel sad and empty and scared and worthless. But there was that part, that part that always popped up whenever he thought about how he still hasn’t come out, that makes him feel like a coward. And maybe he was, but he had every right to be when there were people like that out there. 

But there were also great people out there. 

That thought brought him back to Simon and honestly, if he could wipe the memory of Simon’s face during that ‘joke’, he wouldn’t be mad. It was hell to see, he still felt things for Simon. He was still falling for him every day, even if he didn’t email him anymore, he had been even before he knew Simon had been who he was emailing officially. So to see him so hurt, so sad, so pissed off, it killed him. And honestly? All he wanted to do right then was talk to him. 

Talk to him about how he was feeling. Talk to him about how Simon was feeling. Talk to him about those bullies and Ms. Albright and Simon’s friends that were still giving him the cold shoulder and about soccer and the fucking weather and anything else. He just really wanted to talk to Simon.

And knowing that he couldn’t was what made the tears finally spill over. 

He needed Simon. He needed  _ someone _ . Because he wanted to do nothing more than to just lock himself away forever. When he was in his room, there was no one there to judge him. No racists to judge him just by looking at him. No homophobes to make him into a joke. 

Instead though, he pulled up Garrett’s number. Pushing call before he could think about it, he listened to the phone ring before his voice came through the speaker. 

“Bram?”

“Garrett,” he said, his voice sounding weaker than he imagined it would.

“I’ll be there in five,” Garrett said without hesitation, instantly hanging up. 

True to his word, Bram heard his car a few minutes later in the driveway, and he didn’t even remove his hands from his face until he felt the bed dip next to him. He knew Garrett was sitting there, waiting, and that he would wait for as long as Bram wanted. 

He was the best best friend he could ask for, really. And that’s why he decided that he had to tell him. He had to get it off his chest.

“I… fuck, I’m gay,” Bram said after a few minutes of silence, he had to rip it off like a band-aid. 

“Okay,” Garrett said, leading back against the headboard. “You know that doesn’t change anything, right?” he asked and Bram moved his hands, finally looking over at him.

“Good,” he said, feeling at least a little relief for the first time all day. “You sure?” he had to ask, swallowing thickly.

“Dude, yeah. Come on, you’re still you. I just know more about you now,” he assured, nudging him slightly. “No wonder you looked so off today after lunch. I hope those assholes get what’s coming to them,” he said, obviously a little angry about it all. “Plus… I mean it was hard to not notice how often you’re staring at Spier,” he teased lightly. “You gonna ask him out or what?”

With that, Bram explained everything about him and Simon. The tumblr post, the emails. How he had been falling for Simon  _ and _ falling for Jacques and how he had always hoped they were the same person. About how he panicked and cut Simon out of his life when he knew Simon needed him most, when he was outed, just because he was scared that the same thing was going to happen to him and have his life ruined.

“You have every right to be scared,” Garrett assured. “I can’t even imagine what it’s like. But dude, sometimes you’ve gotta take risks to get a good end result. If you want him, you’ll have to actually go after him.” 

“Maybe the universe will give me a sign that we’re meant to be,” Bram thought out loud, looking over at him again. 

“Maybe. But until then, you’ve gotta try to work on this yourself. Get yourself to a place where you can actually do this, you know?” he asked. “You deserve to be happy. And if Spier’s who makes you happy, then you should go after him. He’d be stupid to not be into you.”

Bram didn’t know about that, but he knew Garrett was right that Simon’s what makes him happy. And when the time came, he wanted to be brave enough to tell him who he is. And hopefully, Simon will be happy too.


End file.
